Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.