Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

About to throw up

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Wednesday