Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair