Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact