Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
i choose….tongue
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.