Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

yall want some gasoline milk

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups