Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera