Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING