jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT