jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.


Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.


Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him


I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.