jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A