-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.