Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My Spanish may not be great, but I know a good chimney chain guh when I taste one.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I can’t deal with men any longer
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3