Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.