Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My god she’s good.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”