Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

I mean…but I did

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Banana is the quietest snack

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!