Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

The glory of fall.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.