Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

😂🐈‍⬛

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.