Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
🤣😈🤣
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.