Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up