Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Wake me when AI does housework

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample