Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?