Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

the short answer to this question

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

I am crying

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.