Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Everyone’s family

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.