Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

*jazz hands*

Ferrari squats

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

the Monday after daylight savings

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?