Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry not sorry.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

bugs when you lift up a rock

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.