Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.