Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
This is sending me to another galaxy
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
How is it still this week?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?