Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
this is the best day of my life
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]