Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

I support this random dude and all his protests

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

dictator is short for richard potato

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.