Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now