Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

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I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.


I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.


Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*



Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.


Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.


INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?


I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from