Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
This classic never gets old . . .
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.