@ChipKellysBalls

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

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@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@johnbiehl

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from