Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas