Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Eating for two.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.