Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
You Might Also Like
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
What flavor cupcake are these
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
