I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
When you’ve simply given up.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
when revenge coincides with naptime