Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.