Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

👀

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.