“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Sorry not sorry.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations