Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough