Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.