Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT