Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Home #decor warning.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.