Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.