Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

They’re stuck in your pants?

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.