Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

Natural selection at its finest

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials