Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence