JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.