Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

There is no “we” in chocolate.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?