Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?