Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed