Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.