Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Not helping
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.