Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
mmm onion ringos
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?