Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
this chia pet tastes awful
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
scared to check what name she chose
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year