Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?