Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.