Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.