Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”