Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
You Might Also Like
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Gemma Correll
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.