Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

The opposite of goth is stopth.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Flowers bee like

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?