Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours