Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

channeling her this year

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

it is time once again