Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.