Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You Might Also Like
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.