Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?