Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.