[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
You Might Also Like
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Saw online –
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT